Yippee

I had an interesting discussion yesterday with a ‘friend’ who is someone I am friendly with because our spouses work together. This is not a person I call or email – I don’t know the person’s email address. I have known this person for over a year. I had attempted to get an email address and yet I don’t think I have ever gotten it. I have given mine, often.

My question is this:  Why do some people think that my not “living up to my potential” is in some way an insult to them?

Crap, I don’t even remember how the conversation got started. For all I know, I started it. It’s often a topic since it is supposed to be one of the things I am working on:  FINDING A J-O-B.

There are many reasons I haven’t found a job. The two big ones are because I am extremely picky and I am afraid. Sure, the pickiness is an offshoot of the fear.

I get it! I *should* have a job. I am obviously not trying hard enough to find a job. I’m doing everything wrong, I’m not applying for all that I should, I’m not ‘getting OUT there’.

I wonder if writing my message on a cardboard sign and standing at a busy intersection would benefit my efforts more than the suckage I review each day in the want ads.

“Oh, less than 3% of people find jobs through the want ads.” Great.

Wonderful.

Where the fuck do I go meet these people that will supposedly be bowled over with my lovely credentials and offer a decent salary WITH BENEFITS?

This person, on hearing that my tale of woe, didn’t get the fact that powers that be told me NO and that I’m not banging on their door trying to convince them otherwise. I don’t get why there isn’t understanding. (The state I live in denied my certification to do something another state granted me certification for – and this new state wants me to get more school and the programs are requiring me to have it already to get into grad school. Classic Catch 22) I don’t even know if I want this career anyway in this state.

Long story.

Boring.

Hey, I know I’m not doing enough and I’m not applying for as many positions as I *should* because the whole process fills my insides with a cold tight congealed chicken fat feeling and I get anxious and start hyperventilating. I know! I do.

I know I’m letting fear shut me down to a state of inactivity.

Your yelling at me stupid options isn’t helping. Thankyouverymuch.

Whew. I feel better.

(I gave the person my card and said, “Email me.”) I’m such an idiot.

 

What I Said and What I Wanted to Say

Disregard the title.   Still not sure what I’m doing with this but I needed to get some odd thoughts out of my head and into black characters on white background…

Dear M__,

Thank you for inviting me over for tea and conversation.   I really appreciate you giving your time and inviting me to help make cookies.  I’m out of practice, I think on a lot of things and probably not what you are assuming right off.  Yes, I’m out of practice on the ‘business opportunity’ stuff both talking about it and DOING it but that’s not what I’m referring to here.

When I was showing off to D___   the cookies we decorated and telling him that you and I got together for tea, he immediately asked,  “Is there anything she needs?   What can we help her with?”  and I felt a bit like an idiot because my answer was, “She needed our crock pot.”   and just why I felt like an idiot is that I know D__  had bigger issues in mind and wishes to help and I don’t really feel I got that kind of answer to his question.

I’m oblivious and likely as ill-mannered as the neighborhood children.   I should have helped you with the cookie cleanup or something!   I’m such a knucklehead.

But I see you as so CAPABLE.   Maybe you roll your eyes and not think that the best/sweetest compliment  but it IS full of admiration.   I think you and I are opposites.   You are a doer;  you’re bizzy-busy.   You do cool stuff!   You GET THINGS DONE.    In contrast, to quote John Candy in Uncle Buck, I’m “the dreamer, the sillyheart”;   I can sit and think and ponder and wonder and circle back to figure out what sparked this thought-spiral and where am I going with this and hey!  two hours have gone by.

OK, the point is, I appreciate you sharing your time with me yesterday and it may seem like not that much, but.   I do appreciate it.    Perhaps, I’m out of practice with knowing how to be a friend.   I am really good at long distance friendships but have maybe never quite figured out how to be a true friend of the physical-presence kind.    Somethings we think are obvious just aren’t sometimes.    I would love if you could teach me how to be a better friend.

Sincerely,

CuriousC

Why I Do What I Do.

OK – this is my FIRST PASS ATTEMPT (supposedly a ‘draft’?) of my possible and required committed-to article for the nursing home newsletter that if you read the prior post will make sense….

Service to others is the payment you make for your space here on earth.

Mohammed Ali

Dear Readers of this Newsletter,

Hi.   My name is _____.   I am a volunteer.

It all started awhile (a while?  I get SO confused when I need to have a space inserted between that a and the w — seriously, let me know somebody which it is?!  thanks) ago when I inquired about the possibility of bringing my Oscar Pup to visit the residents.

My dog is a hunting dog by trade but doesn’t get to hunt.   (I had no idea that when I would tell people that he was a hunting dog that people would freak out like I had a semi-automatic hidden in my belt.  I do not.    I try not to tell people he is a hunting dog anymore.  I say this instead:    “…one of the sporting breeds, like Golden Retrievers?”)    Anyway, he is an active little guy of only 70 pounds and I wanted to find an activity that we both could share.

Therapy Team sounded PERFECT!    We could visit schools and nursing homes and hospitals and CHEER people UP!

Little did I realize that it was going to be ME* (and Oscar) that would be the one(s) getting CHEERED.

I am humbled by the reaction and appreciation I receive when Oscar and I visit _________.   Everyone is so nice!    The residents, the staff, even the Misty the Cat seems responsive to our weekly visits.    I find it very rewarding and have gone on to volunteer time not just as the human part of this pet therapy team but I help re-alphabetize books in the library*, teach computer skills, do odd jobs like clean out the basement, and occasionally accompany lunch outings.

How Oscar feels about the experience is a whole ‘nother story.    Next time?

* You all know, don’t you?  that I am referred to as “Oscar’s Mom”?   Few people really know my name…   Which I’m perfectly fine with.  Really!

HIdeinWhitetoSkipLine

Copyright © 2010. CuriousC at Idea Jump! All rights reserved. This post was originally posted by Curious “C” from the Idea Jump! blog.  It should not be reproduced without express written permission.

Off to Cash a Check

I’m very excited to announce that the school district found me some money.   Well, it’s MY money and I earned every penny of the $168.44 which represents 2 and 2/3 days (huh?) of substitute teaching.

If you regularly stumble over here and read my few posts, you’ll recall that I had gone into the school district office back in July to pick up my last check (they won’t mail them and subs don’t get direct deposit) and was told,

“You already picked it up.”

“No, I didn’t.   I don’t remember coming in here recently.  I don’t think so.”

But, of course, the seed of doubt was planted.   I searched through files and papers and piles of detritus (cool word, huh?) but couldn’t find the paystub.   I speculated that I had just cashed it and so would thus have no deposit record on my bank statement.    I was all prepared to write a nasty CC:-the-Superintendent about how RUDE the payroll clerk is and blahblahblah but just didn’t have the guts.      I mean, maybe she was right and my kindergarten-teacher-friend who told me the payroll clerk is mean and everybody hates her would actually help me figure out what happened.   I mean, maybe somebody posed as me!

Anyway.

I went to Substitute Teacher Orientation today and guess what!   My boss – who had to announce my name to claim the check because of course she doesn’t really know who I am (nor does the rude payroll clerk, ahem) – hands me my money!!  WAHOO!

I’m still not sure about the 2/3 day but that’s OK.   It’s money and I’m happy the whole damn situation is done.   I really only thought I had a day and half owed.   All good.

I also know now that I should send kids to the nurse if they want to and to not touch any kids with bloody noses.     It was BLOODBORNE ILLNESS PREVENTION training…

Book Recommendation 09001

Golly, it’s been awhile since I set up camp over here and regaled the three of you who might actually be reading this and I think, “Self, what tis this absence thing or dichotomous lapse?”

See, I don’t even make much sense.

Anyway, I realize in the past I have enthusiastically announced all sorts of inspired “regular” (as in ongoing) post ideas* and then abandoned same.   Um, like here and here and here.    or here.   And yet, with that same enthusiasm that I’m so famous for (I can count on the three of you to back me up with this, yes?) I once more announce to trumpets and much fanfare of streamers and confetti, that I have a post idea to keep up with on some sort of regular basis.   Hopefully.

(for the year 2009 and this being the first over here on my non-book blog so 001)

Population 485 by Michael Perry

So unexpected.    So worthy of being read.    So much more than just living and working in a small town…   very humbly thoughtful, intelligent, occasionally goofy in a charming way, honest and heart-warming.    and heart-breaking.   GOOD STUFF.

It’s a memoir by a guy who makes his living as a writer but stays grounded by working as a volunteer firefighter and Emergency Medical Responder in a very small town in Wisconsin.

“He crafts a lovely metaphor.”   (you’ll ‘get it’ if you read it.)

If you like memoirs about regular people who do inspiring things (fight fires!)  -or-   if you like reading about medicine without it being too over the head or maybe boring with terminology and just the right amount of gore and drama  -or-   if you aspire to crafting a life while you craft a career,

you might like this book.

If you like to ‘wax poetically’ – it has just a bit of philosophy, some wisdom, some nuttiness of home town living.    If you like witty or whacky supporting characters, this book has some of that.      If you long for connectedness to a time and to a place and a realization how often we forget and need the reminder of our own humanity – I think you’ll love this book.

Michael Perry has a few other books, too.   Check out his website for more!

*  Other almost serialized post ideas:  movie reviews, quotes, jobs, mosaics, pies…

The Search

As I sit at the desk and wonder what to do with myself today, as I reflect on an awesome weekend we just had, I recall that one to-do thing that should be on the top of my list is to search for lost money.

I can be, at times, extremely well organized.   I can, at other times, be a bit of a slob.    And, on some counts, I could be accused of being scatter-brained – especially, on issues of fiscal responsibility.

For example, the thing I need to do today.    I can’t remember if I was paid for my last two weeks of substitute teaching.    The school says I was.     I, however, don’t remember picking up my check.   The school says I did.  (They can’t afford stamps to mail and direct deposit must be out of their techno-capabilities.)

So I have to search for the pay stub.    I’ve already checked my deposits at the bank to see if anything fits the time period but I didn’t have any.      That means that I cashed the darn thing – if, indeed, I received it.

I had been SO GOOD in January and February!   I would come home and make a copy of the check before filing it, before taking to the bank.

But by the end of the school year…   Well, I don’t even recall what system I was or was not adhering to.   The amount is approximately $100 – that’s another thing I have to check.   Uh, when exactly did I work?!

So.    What are YOU doing today? Anything fun?  (besides blogging, of course.)

Substitution

I logged a full day as a 7th grade math instructor today.    It went well.    No one got sent to the office and I didn’t have any of that surreal feeling of  hovering over the room when I lose control.

Not that I really had to teach anything – worked through the Problem of the Day (area of a square with side length 12.5 feet) at the beginning of each class and then handed out a few worksheets that had to be turned in at the end.

Not too stressful – multiplication of fractions, negatives, decimals, finding mean and range – that kind of stuff.

The highlight?  or maybe a point of amusement:   a few of the students wanted to write on the board during the class they call ‘Directed Study’.   They are supposed to be spending quiet time on their assignments but if they are not too distracting – they can chat.       So the one who wanted to write on the whiteboard, wrote this:

Ms. “CuriousC” is the best substitute teacher ever!

Cool, huh?    They didn’t want me to erase it.   (But I did; once that class was over.)

Ah, validation!   **smirk**

Of course, the $63.74 still is hardly worth the time…

Thoughts on Subbing

More random stuff to ponder…     ♦♦♦

One kid came up to ask a question about a person in a book the class was reading about the Titanic and was wondering why the text referred to Mrs. John Smith when the back of the book list of all the passengers referred to her as Mrs. Veronica Smith  (I’m making these names up – I really don’t remember what her REAL name was, shame on me) and I tried to explain to him that old archaic system of how wives used to only be referenced by the man they were married to.   I absolutely loved that he frowned and responded, “huh?  why?”     He thought it too confusing.    Good boy.    Women have their own identities and are not just extensions of the husband.   Not that I want to start the whole debate of girls belonging to their fathers until they are married off and then belong to the husband and the convenience? of taking the guy’s name issue.   I’m OK with most of it, but let me keep my first name and let me use Ms.

♦

I read a book that was lying on the desk of the teacher I was subbing for and now I can’t find it in Amazon in order to list it in my BOOKS-READ-IN-2009.   I’m bummed.   It was cute, too.   Something about how ‘If you think about it, all problems are math problems.’   The poor kid spends ever waking moment translating all issues and challenges of the day as a math problem until finally, he realizes that he woke up at 7 am, it only takes 3 minutes to get dressed, 5 minutes to eat breakfast, 1 minute to brush his teeth, and the bus is due to arrive at 7:42 ==>  no problem!  He’s got PLENTY of time to catch the bus.    However.  Later, the science teacher announces in class that ‘If you think about it, all problems are science problems.’   DARN IT!    very cute.

[Added later:  found it!   Math Curse by Jon Scieszka]

♦

I actually had to teach today.   Usually I have worksheets to pass out and I’m not really involved.   But today, we had read aloud and together as a class, ask questions, let’s work through this together, go over it again, etc and then some…  My mouth went dry from so much talking; I was SOO thirsty!      Lesson was on linking verbs, predicate noun and adjectives, passive and active voice, regular and irregular verbs.     Such fun.

RWBO

Remember my glory days of blogging?  hee hee, I don’t know how you will react to that but it amuses me.    It amuses me because I realize I haven’t been blogging ‘over here’ very much and the topics I’ve posted on lately have frustrated me (movies and my lack of whatever (motivation!?) to go see any) AND – warning:  run on sentence in the midst of, we are – I’m drinking wine.

Red* wine.  

 Do you recall RWBI?    Well, back in the day, May of last year, I was yapping about the nights my hub was out of town and American Idol was on.   And I was enjoying a glass or five of red wine.     Click here to read the first of that glorious series.

Where was I?

Oh yea.   THE OSCARS ARE ON, my PEOPLE!    Maybe by the time you read this, they’ll be over, but I’m blogging at my breakfast nook table on my new Mac laptop watching the red carpet nonsense waiting for HUGH Jackman to start the festivities.   

Yea, I know!   Why am I not in my home theatre watching the glamour?!?!

Well.

Well, the hub is home.    He wants to watch ‘something else.’    I guess racin’ is on… 

What the __?!  what a good wife I am.    He KNOWS I love the Oscars!    He is being mean.   

I’m thinking about calling the sub coordinator and telling her I can’t work tomorrow.    Subbing is awesome, like that!   If I don’t want to work tomorrow, I don’t have to.

I did see Slumdog Millionaire.   (ROMI!  I saw it!   Yes, I agree!!   Great GREAT movie.)  

Movies I Actually Saw That Might Win Gold Statues Tonight:    Slumdog Millionaire, Wall-E.      

I think that’s it.

So pathetic.     I think I’ll have some more wine…

* Red wine is safer than white wine.   Although it can keep me awake (sulfites, they say), it doesn’t wipe my short term memory like white wine does…

** and if you’ve read this far, just want to share that we made an offer on a boat.     It was about 75% of suggested retail price, so we are waiting for a counter or a reject…

***   Hey JL!    Did you sign up?!??!    hope so!

****  OHHHHHH so cute!   They just interviewed those adorable child actors from Slumdog and they are PRECIOUS!   so cute.  I hope they are having a great time in America – what a wild ride this must be.   TDC!   Too Damn Cute.

Adventures in Substitute Teaching

I got the job!   What am I thinking!?!?     After child care (OK, doggie day care) expenses, I won’t even make $45 per day.   BEFORE taxes.    I’m betting my time will be 8+ hours away from home.     I’m already dreading this.

I even agreed to pre-K through 12th.    Um, did I really agree to ages under the traditional Kindergarten?    Can I only have the high school honors classes, please?

I can’t believe how I answered some of the questions…

Q:   What do you hope to have accomplished after a day of substituting?
A:   To survive?   (YES, I really said that.)

Q:  Why do you want to be a substitute teacher?
A:  I like the flexibility and that I don’t have to drive very far.  (Hey, I’m honest!)

And they still hired me.   What does THAT tell ya?   Golly, I hope this works out.

How am I ever going to support myself when my genes tell me I might live well into my nineties?   (One gma lived to 103, the other to 94.)   I know I have a privileged lifestyle now, but what about my future?    I feel like career-roadkill, washed up at the age of 43, loser beyond compare.      Sigh.

These kids are going to EAT. ME. ALIVE.     (and I’m talking about the grade schoolers, of course.)