Yippee

I had an interesting discussion yesterday with a ‘friend’ who is someone I am friendly with because our spouses work together. This is not a person I call or email – I don’t know the person’s email address. I have known this person for over a year. I had attempted to get an email address and yet I don’t think I have ever gotten it. I have given mine, often.

My question is this:  Why do some people think that my not “living up to my potential” is in some way an insult to them?

Crap, I don’t even remember how the conversation got started. For all I know, I started it. It’s often a topic since it is supposed to be one of the things I am working on:  FINDING A J-O-B.

There are many reasons I haven’t found a job. The two big ones are because I am extremely picky and I am afraid. Sure, the pickiness is an offshoot of the fear.

I get it! I *should* have a job. I am obviously not trying hard enough to find a job. I’m doing everything wrong, I’m not applying for all that I should, I’m not ‘getting OUT there’.

I wonder if writing my message on a cardboard sign and standing at a busy intersection would benefit my efforts more than the suckage I review each day in the want ads.

“Oh, less than 3% of people find jobs through the want ads.” Great.

Wonderful.

Where the fuck do I go meet these people that will supposedly be bowled over with my lovely credentials and offer a decent salary WITH BENEFITS?

This person, on hearing that my tale of woe, didn’t get the fact that powers that be told me NO and that I’m not banging on their door trying to convince them otherwise. I don’t get why there isn’t understanding. (The state I live in denied my certification to do something another state granted me certification for – and this new state wants me to get more school and the programs are requiring me to have it already to get into grad school. Classic Catch 22) I don’t even know if I want this career anyway in this state.

Long story.

Boring.

Hey, I know I’m not doing enough and I’m not applying for as many positions as I *should* because the whole process fills my insides with a cold tight congealed chicken fat feeling and I get anxious and start hyperventilating. I know! I do.

I know I’m letting fear shut me down to a state of inactivity.

Your yelling at me stupid options isn’t helping. Thankyouverymuch.

Whew. I feel better.

(I gave the person my card and said, “Email me.”) I’m such an idiot.

 

Don’t Blink

Kenny Chesney has a hit song called “Don’t Blink” about advice from an old guy who feels that life passes very fast.   Sometimes, I feel like this too.   And other times, days and minutes proceed so slowly.     I think time is elastic like that and memories are only quick snapshots strung together  – not movies.

“What brings this up?”, you ask.     Oh, I’m just sitting here reflecting on my summer.    It’s been crazy good, but I don’t think my husband shares that sentiment.    Not that he didn’t share the same things; or most of the same things.  But he has the nutty thing called a J-O-B and it has issues.    Let’s just leave it at that.

I wish I could embrace that attitude of joy for each day, each experience, each person who crosses my path.  To give off a spirit of cheerfulness;  to be the kind of person that everyone who comes in contact with says, “She is so fun to be around, always in a good mood.”   Honestly, and this explains or counters what others call my ‘lack of ambition’ is truly my highest goal even though often I forget.  I forget!   I get weighed down in the hassles and conundrums and doot-da-doots of daily life.    And stop paying attention, I suppose.

Wow, am I waxing?!  ha.    I miss this blog.  Where I just sat and typed and felt and expressed.    It’s so good for me!    I don’t do this in my journal anymore.  I rarely visit here.  And over at the book blog, I feel inadequate to critique the novels I read, to pinpoint what and why I feel something or not in the books I read.   But I love my book-blogging.  I do.

I’m off topic.   [Gathers thoughts back to my point if I even have one.]  I opened this blog today to express my sadness and happiness for summer.

I’m sad that a chapter has closed and happy that is went better than expected.    I made a friend.   That friend is now off on new adventures and I wish her well.

I called her “My Summer Intern”.   We opened our home to a young college graduate who needed a place to stay for a few months and it was awesome.     And we just hugged, said goodbye and drove away.

Thus, I’m sad.

But happy that we took the risk and it paid off.

OK, time moves on.   I best get a move on, myself and start this day.

I will try to remember to be cheerful.

Feeling the Same Way All Over Again

Greetings Earthlings,

I have come to find out that I know not myself or just prefer not to bring myself to those self-awareness parties.  Much more fun to bring a changeable dramatic persona than anything having to do with reality, wouldn’t you agree?

And by you, I mean ‘me’.

How freeing and fun it is to type up such nonsense when I know no one is looking!  Yet the possibility of being viewed (read) has it’s thrill.    Unfortunately, I do feel I know the one or two of you who might happen to have this blog in their Google-Reader and thus upon seeing bold NEW post, ventures over here to be amused.

But is that amusement what I am going for?   Because I *know* you.   And yet I don’t.  I know an IDEA of you.

Therein lies the rub.   I have an IDEA of me that bursts upon my insecurities and causes me great angst.   Better that I just do.  DO; than sit and think.  I think way too much.

Well?     Can I structure an entire plot-driven or character-driven or new-age story line out of such nonsense?  Have I already used the word ‘nonsense’?    Crap.   START OVER.

I need somebody – a person, character, protagonist –  to drive some plot points even if they are action in the head, so to speak.     The theme of misunderstanding.   The theme of not knowing what you think you know.  And the theme of not dealing with reality.

Which leads me to my favorite quote.    Reality is only my perception of what is real.     Who said that I do not know.    Surely it is an ancient concept…

Annoy and Inspire

I decided this would be a great place and a good time for me to vent.   But I quickly thought I should balance this with some opposite-rant;  thus the title to this post.    I will list a few pet peeves and then counter with a few things that make me smile.      Let’s see which attitude-influencers WIN!   woo hoo!!

ANNOYING #1:    I get annoyed that people send emails with too few details.   Specifically, the requests I get to invite me to bring my dog to a pet-therapy opportunity.    Seldom do they mention what TOWN they are in!     I’ll get a quick email that announces orientation at Ayer Public Library and…   THAT’s IT!    No, grand thank you for signing up months ago to do this, just ‘hey – here are the dates’.      UM.     huh?  who ARE you?  WHERE are you?   What exactly did I sign up for made you send me this email today?!    SO, now I have to go dig up more details and I really wish I could send an email back, HEY!   WHO ARE YOU!!?!??!

INSPIRATION:     I really have to take a deep breath and just let the faint vague details come to me:    This is an opportunity for me to bring my dog to a program assisting young children learning to read.    Apparently, a child is more comfortable reading aloud to a DOG audience of one and reading scores improve with regular sessions.     I really think Oscar is an excellent calm listener and am eager to do good and help improve a young reader’s ability and foster a love for reading.     Sounds AWESOME, doesn’t it?   At least, I think this email is about that program I signed up for months ago and haven’t heard anything about since…

♦

ANNOY #2:    Husband’s piss-poor attitude this morning.   RRRRrrrrrrrr.     It’s not MY fault you went fishing yesterday and the exhaustion of your FUN day has caused you to be extremely irritable this morning.      He is anything but pleasant this morning.

INSPIRATION:    I must be thankful that my husband has opportunities to pursue his fishing passion and that he left me alone all day yesterday.    I read over half the book I’m currently enjoying AND I got to watch Project Runway without bothering him.     And I’m really glad that he didn’t decide to work from home today.

♦

ANNOY #3:     I get annoyed and SADDENED when people too hastily assume that all creativity and the term ARTIST only means talent for drawing!   COME ON ALREADY!!    what ARE the schools teaching these days!?    Everyone on the planet who has thoughts in their heads are creative.    CREATIVE does NOT mean skilled at pen and paper drawing!     UGH – I can’t express it enough how thoroughly irritated I get that people do not understand the word CREATIVITY!

Here’s what happened yesterday:     I got my hair cut.    I hate getting my hair cut.    I don’t feel pampered, I feel afraid.     I realize this is something I need to tweak my attitude about but it’s still a struggle to set through a session and not wish is was over about 10 minutes after the snipping begins.     ANYWAY, the stylist was complimenting her work and I sincerely said,

“I take it as a good sign that the artist is admiring her work.”

And she replied,  “Oh, I’m not an artist.   I can’t draw at all.   My little sister is only eleven but she’s really good at drawing things.”

sigh…

INSPIRATION:    I love flowers.     I can see my zinnias outside my window as I glance up from the keyboard trying to find a countering inspiration to my wish that all people would consider and appreciate their own creativity…     Flowers.    Flowers, flowers, flowers…

Thoughts on Subbing

More random stuff to ponder…     ♦♦♦

One kid came up to ask a question about a person in a book the class was reading about the Titanic and was wondering why the text referred to Mrs. John Smith when the back of the book list of all the passengers referred to her as Mrs. Veronica Smith  (I’m making these names up – I really don’t remember what her REAL name was, shame on me) and I tried to explain to him that old archaic system of how wives used to only be referenced by the man they were married to.   I absolutely loved that he frowned and responded, “huh?  why?”     He thought it too confusing.    Good boy.    Women have their own identities and are not just extensions of the husband.   Not that I want to start the whole debate of girls belonging to their fathers until they are married off and then belong to the husband and the convenience? of taking the guy’s name issue.   I’m OK with most of it, but let me keep my first name and let me use Ms.

♦

I read a book that was lying on the desk of the teacher I was subbing for and now I can’t find it in Amazon in order to list it in my BOOKS-READ-IN-2009.   I’m bummed.   It was cute, too.   Something about how ‘If you think about it, all problems are math problems.’   The poor kid spends ever waking moment translating all issues and challenges of the day as a math problem until finally, he realizes that he woke up at 7 am, it only takes 3 minutes to get dressed, 5 minutes to eat breakfast, 1 minute to brush his teeth, and the bus is due to arrive at 7:42 ==>  no problem!  He’s got PLENTY of time to catch the bus.    However.  Later, the science teacher announces in class that ‘If you think about it, all problems are science problems.’   DARN IT!    very cute.

[Added later:  found it!   Math Curse by Jon Scieszka]

♦

I actually had to teach today.   Usually I have worksheets to pass out and I’m not really involved.   But today, we had read aloud and together as a class, ask questions, let’s work through this together, go over it again, etc and then some…  My mouth went dry from so much talking; I was SOO thirsty!      Lesson was on linking verbs, predicate noun and adjectives, passive and active voice, regular and irregular verbs.     Such fun.

The TWO WORD and add some MEME

Teeni wants to play tag.   I’m it and then it’s…  YOUR TURN!

I am:   incredibly blessed.
I think:   too much.
I know:   that I think too much.
I have:  a pretty darn nice life.
I wish:  I had more motivation to do more than just wish.
I hate:  using the word ‘hate’.
I miss:  the eyeballs I had at the age of 20.
I fear:  a life of fear and/or a life of regret.
I hear:  the voice of Gene Lavanchy of MyFox Boston 25    

I smell:  a faint hint of Strawberry Lemonade shampoo on my pup but only when I bury my nose into his coat.  And not for long – he goes to daycare today…
I crave:  Dove’s dark chocolate.
I search:  for meaning and purpose.
I wonder:  (why I wonder so much.)  I wonder as a wander out over the sea…
I regret:  a few things, I suppose, but nothing that I haven’t gotten over. I think.
I love:  my husband, my dog, my family, my life.
I ache:  in my knees occasionally but not that often, really.
I am not:  an irresponsible lazy ass do-nothin’.
I believe:  in love. ♥
I dance:  all the time.
I sing:  even more than I dance.
I cry:  at sad movies.
I fight:  rarely.
I win:  sometimes.
I lose:  at Xbox racing.
I never:  mean to hurt people with the thoughtless things I sometimes say.
I always:  try to apologize.
I confuse:  poker hands all the freakin’ time.
I listen:  when I realize, duh-it’s important.
I can usually be found:  at my PC.
I am scared:  to drive in Boston by myself. at night.
I need:  to get over myself.
I am happy about:  most things, and generally most of the time when I stop and actually think about it. 
I imagine:  quite vividly and in color.
I tag:   Hallie, Museditions, FightingWindmills, Author/Jan (and Joan but I expect she’s already been tagged or didn’t wait for such a triviality.),

and YOU!

 

and to help you out, I’m providing the blanks like Teeni did…

I am:
I think:
I know:
I have:
I wish:
I hate:
I miss:
I fear:
I hear:
I smell:
I crave:
I search:
I wonder:
I regret:
I love:
I ache:
I am not:
I believe:
I dance:
I sing:
I cry:
I fight:
I win:
I lose:
I never:
I always:
I confuse:
I listen:
I can usually be found:
I am scared:
I need:
I am happy about:
I imagine:
I tag:

CuriousC's avatar

 

Random Thinking -OR- Few Word Wednesday With Artichoke

I almost titled this STILL LIFE WITH ARTICHOKE.  But that may have given someone the impression of a painting or art presentation.

I almost titled this Random Thinking With Artichoke but I don’t want this to be a cooking blog.

You may or may not know that I have another blog that is totally separate from this one.    Actually, I have two other blogs but I only update and play with one of those and have let the other languish.     If you DO know about my other blog, you’ve either been reading THIS for quite awhile and must be a big fan!  (thank you, how cool?!)  -OR-  I have accidently left a comment on your blog with my other  id and…   I had to tell you.  Only one of you has ever figured it out without me telling!    (That would you YOU “B” from SC!)

It’s almost like I’m playing in two different realities with two different sets of regulars/blogfriends, etc. 

I find it rather exciting when I see both my blogs on someone’s blogroll and I have NOT told them!    It’s rare.     And it’s fun to see my other blogfriend’s blogrolls containing one of YOU regular CuriousC/IdeaJump readers.    There are more than a few of you.

SO…. Why?    I don’t want my mother to know.

My mom reads the other blog.   It’s a book blog – where I review all the books I have read or list what I want to soon read.  (I’m getting rather exhausted with the past and future tenses of that word being prounounced differently.   I trip up.)

But what is REALLY bugging me!?!?   is that there seem to be a ton more blogspotters (the Google Blog platform) in the book-blog-world and it can be a pain to leave them comments – they seem to all have that security type-in-the-wavy-letters thing.   OR they won’t allow anonymous comments.   Or they only allow other blogspotters.     I have signed in to googleblogs so many times that I can’t remember my password and I just don’t feel like signing in to so many crazy places.

And that’s not all of it.     I suspect that those people don’t like to come to WordPress to leave comments.   

Ok.   That’s it.   That’s my rant.    Forget it – I got more!   I ran around and left 25-30 comments one day and I swear, not ONE of them ever even came by to visit me!    Oops – I think I’ve said ramblings about No-Obligation-Blogging?    Yep, I have, I know.    But you would think a couple of those somebodies would have stopped by to just see what I have a-goin’ on?!      Maybe, I’m feeling sorry for myself that no one comments on my amazing awesome insightful book reviews.     No, that’s not it.    My reviews suck.    I’m feeling sorry for myself that my reviews suck.  ha!

Which makes me SOOOOO happy that I can come here and my readers here are so lovely!!    Thank you.    I am off to go visit all of you now!

First, some “Few Word Wednesday” Photos of cooking an artichoke.

  The artichoke.

 A pretty big artichoke.

  Trimming the stem.

  Boiling the water.

 Cutting in half after 25 minutes of simmer.

I got too caught up in dipping the leaves (are they called leaves?) into melted lemon butter to take any more photos…  YUM!

What I’ve Been Up To

In the last 3 hours, I played my brain-awakening game of Sudoku, wrote a post (the CR photos), checked every single blog on my roll (this page, I’ll check my extended page tomorrow – or later today!) and then some, and commented when I could think of something worthy and sometimes despite that.   (and if I didn’t comment, I still heart you.)

I’m off to walk 5 miles and then take a hot bubble bath.   Then maybe I’ll come back here and clean out all the images I’ve uploaded over the last few months…   Is there a quick way to clean out a wordpress image collection?

Hope your Thursday is going as well as mine.  G’Day!

Post ID #359, When: 2008-02-24 1:09 pm

My thoughts on recent pop culture goings-ons…

My Top 3 MEN in American Idol:    Jason Castro, David Archuleta, and Michael Johns

For the WOMEN, I’m rooting for Ramiele Malubay.  

I’m going to miss the finale of Project Runway:   March 5.   I have no idea what they are going to show this coming Wednesday.   

and, now, today, I’m getting ready to sit in front of the TV for the countdown and red carpet fashion show for…

OSCARS!

Skipping

I used to love to skip when I was a kid.   It tires me to skip now.   I hate getting older.  And I hate thinking that at my age which is too young to think of boring tedious topics that involve whining about age.

I do find it fascinating how fast children grow up.     Why did it seem to take forever?   

And from that under 10 perspective, it was amazing how old I thought people were when they were over 40!   Probably thought that for over 30.   

I always thought my older cousins were ‘cool’.    Strangely alien, but cool.   

I was the youngest of 14 cousins on my mother’s side of the family.    I adored every cousin!     I didn’t get to see them much – we were scattered to the winds and lived in many different states.

Skipping; casually moving along but in a peppy manner…     Like the thoughts in my head right now.    The online definers give the following in response to the search to define skipping:

To move by hopping on one foot and then the other. To leap lightly about.

Ah, to leap about lightly!  Sounds fun.

Googling for a quote to insert, I stumble upon this ditty from the Scottish dramatist James Matthew Barry:

“When the first baby laughed for the first time, the laugh broke into a thousand pieces and they all went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies.”

   

    

I must skip off now, I have my first training class for the Adult Literacy / Reading Initiative.   ta ta for now!   See you on the morrow…