Feeling the Same Way All Over Again

Greetings Earthlings,

I have come to find out that I know not myself or just prefer not to bring myself to those self-awareness parties.  Much more fun to bring a changeable dramatic persona than anything having to do with reality, wouldn’t you agree?

And by you, I mean ‘me’.

How freeing and fun it is to type up such nonsense when I know no one is looking!  Yet the possibility of being viewed (read) has it’s thrill.    Unfortunately, I do feel I know the one or two of you who might happen to have this blog in their Google-Reader and thus upon seeing bold NEW post, ventures over here to be amused.

But is that amusement what I am going for?   Because I *know* you.   And yet I don’t.  I know an IDEA of you.

Therein lies the rub.   I have an IDEA of me that bursts upon my insecurities and causes me great angst.   Better that I just do.  DO; than sit and think.  I think way too much.

Well?     Can I structure an entire plot-driven or character-driven or new-age story line out of such nonsense?  Have I already used the word ‘nonsense’?    Crap.   START OVER.

I need somebody – a person, character, protagonist –  to drive some plot points even if they are action in the head, so to speak.     The theme of misunderstanding.   The theme of not knowing what you think you know.  And the theme of not dealing with reality.

Which leads me to my favorite quote.    Reality is only my perception of what is real.     Who said that I do not know.    Surely it is an ancient concept…

Resignation, Part 2

I officially resigned today.     (To read my letter, click here.)

The face to face ‘sit down’, the knowing smile, then hand over the letter.

ALL

IS

GOOD

I also gave L a lead; a couple whose house will be a challenge to sell as well as being a challenge to assist in finding their next.    Cha Ching!  Can you say REFERRAL FEE?   I just may have a chance to make a profit in real estate after all.

I was advised to ‘get out there.’     Don’t sit at home and be sucked into the 2 dimensional world called INTERNET…    It’s possible that my next big career is quietly waiting for me to discover it?

A wonderfully fascinating place to visit if you have time on your hands and skills to offer:   Volunteer Match.   I’ve signed up to assist with a Reading & Literacy effort at a local library.   Training starts in January.   Shall I volunteer to help seniors understand Medicare?    Could I be one of those dear souls who just ‘be there’ and hold a hand so no one dies alone?    Perhaps handing out cookies at a blood drive….   Or throwing the hammer at Habitat for Humanity     and Homes For Our Troops.   I am making phone calls to inquire about more pet therapy visitations, too.

I want to take a few classes at the community center…   Web Design, Grant Writing, Creative Writing, Pie Making,  BE-Your+Best (rah rah) classes, etc.      I would love to take a Yoga class and definitely a self-defense class.   

I am afraid of commitment.   I’m afraid of over-committing!    I’m terrified of a schedule, having been without one for so long;  I really REALLY enjoy my slow pace.

As I like to say to my Hub,

“It takes a lot of time just to be me.”    

 But it’s time I give back, give more…

– “C” of Idea Jump

Resignation

Version 1

Dear Boss,

I quit.

Sincerely,

C——

       

Version 2

Dear firstname lastname & partner,

Thank you so much for the opportunity to work for you and for ___company___.     I do believe that you represent the best in the industry; this market, this locale.   It has been an honor to be involved in some small way with the beginnings of and the building up of  ___company___ .

However, it is time I must move on.     As E.B. White once said, “We should all do what, in the long run, gives us joy, even it it is only picking grapes or sorting the laundry.”        I do not fault current market conditions, nor blame any failures on external influences; my heart is telling me that this is not a fit for me right now.    

Respectfully submitted,

C—–

  

   

To free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves–there lies the great, singular power of self-respect.         – Joan Didion

You would think…

You would think that somewhere on this internettable plethora of stuff, would be a translator (political speak aka double talk) website tool – free, of course – that would help me phrase an answer to a question I would rather avoid in such a manner that would distract the questioner and then they would realize NOT to ask again and just accept that I will not deal with said problem issue.

Or did I just not DO-THE google/dogpile/ask jeeves or whomever whoever with the correct ‘advanced’ query?

 Question:    Could you please _______ ?
 Answer:      No.

For the umpteenth time.  No.   Sorry.   Deal with it.     “Oh, thank you Buyers Agent, for again requesting this request in such a pleasant manner, when knowing that we should have brought this up way long ago at offer time and even prep P&S time and not 5 days before closing, when you know that for me to say yes, would mean that I myself would have to go and do the dastardly task which would probably result in my breaking a nail or running my hose or some such other nonsense (ie spend money) and that as a way-more-resourceful person than moi, that the buyer should be able to handle this small problem issue and leave me out of it.  Haven’t we had enough to deal with already and haven’t I denied the request for upteen times minus one?”

oh but wait!    I have previously praised ‘pleasant persistent pest-ness’…    Common Sense and mutual respect, people!   Oh, yes, Buyer’s Agent, ask again.  I will smile with compassion and pleasantly repeat:   No.

Vexes me so

Patience serves as a protection against wrongs as clothes do against cold.  For if you put on more clothes as the cold increases, it will have no power to hurt you. So in like manner you must grow in patience when you meet with great wrongs, and they will then be powerless to vex your mind.                 Leonardo di Vinci

I like the word ‘vex’.   Fun to say, has great words to rhyme with (ha!  what did YOU think of first?!), and it seems to me to have a gentle yet strong meaning:  (google)  “annoy: cause annoyance in; disturb, especially by minor irritations“.   Ok, gentle may not be what I am trying to say.   Minor irritation…   Hmmm.  Yet Vex has an elegant quality of sorts.

My hub likes to say, “ah, it vexes me so.”   and usually used in good humor.  

What vexes me so is my current task of transaction-handling in the crazy world of real estate.   I have an upcoming closing.   YIPPEE!   I can hardly wait.   And yet, I’ve been only lately (like this week… ) calmly reacting to the lastest little crises.   (Crises doesn’t look right to me, but this fun internet source of infinite knowledge and facts at my fingertips, assures me that crisEs is the plural of crisis…)   I have had plenty on this one deal.   Crises times crises.

A closing.   A passing of papers.   (I dislike the reference of ‘passing of papers’ – too similar to the passing of gas…)    A transaction completion.  Hurrah!  Hooray!   I’ll finally get my money!

It surprises me so often how little respect and regard people have for this profession and yet think it utterly amazing and crazy that I work and spend money before I ever see a dime.   And the dime could vaporize into illusion quite easily!   

I’ve been getting yelled at every 3 days or so from a contractor who did work (knowing that payment would be AFTER) on the house that will be sold next week (knock on wood and GOD-willing).  I don’t have the kind of money he is invoicing to pay him and it’s not my job to pay him – it’s the sellers.   Long story WHO the sellers really are…   He keeps telling me that it is OUT OF LINE and UNHEARD OF that he should have to wait for his money.   That it is ‘unacceptable.’   SIGH.   and if this buyer decides to walk away… it will be a very long time til he sees any payment and I still won’t be able to help him.   I wish he could see or feel SOME … OH!  what IS the word?  happiness?  no…  relief?!…   that at least I have a date  – less than a week — for the closing and he is on the list to be paid at that time.    We have a ‘when’!   so get over it and stop bothering me…  SHshssseeshshshhshsh.

It vexes me so that I have been diligent to be in communication with everyone; timely, thorough, considerate and pleasant.   My boss tells me that being a ‘pleasant persistent pest’ is the only way to be a good agent!   I do get compliments on my professionalism and how knowledgeable and HELPFUL I am to those I get to work with – the buyers, attorneys, the appraiser, the (other) contractors, etc.   My mind vexes I’ve been able keep to myself…    I won’t make enough on this deal to pay the advertising, gas/miles on my car, website costs and on&on.   I didn’t have enough deals this year to cover my time, let alone my yearly expenses to BE a real estate agent.    

Now I’m ranting and complaining.   It vexes me so…   What started this post was a quote; an inspiration to be patient so that my mind could be vex-free.    I conclude with another from Victor Hugo.  (and then I will go take a nap.)

“Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake.“

Not Enough TO DO.

OK, I admit it.  I do not have enought TO DOs on my TO-DO List.   But then, forgive me, I do have a ‘hurry up and wait’ kind of job that I’m quitting once this current assignment is completed.    Which could cause me stress because I can’t DO anything to make it hurry up and BE concrete!  Just sit here and hope that I get the phone calls from the decision maker – who/whom I don’t even know by name because of how amazingly complicated and %^&*$ it has become – and so I don’t go to the beach and enhance my tan because I might have to run to the office and fax something.    OK.   I can do much better than this.    Change subject.  SEE – easier to avoid.

SO, my to do list:   1.  return shirts to Kohls.   2.  fill truck with full tank of gas.   3. treadmill 30 minutes.   4.  post on my blog.   k’ching DONE!!      5.  Gather O’s papers for getting him pet-therapy-certified.    Have already taken out the trash so I can cross that off the list.

RESPONSE – ABLE.   Responsible.     Googling ‘irresponsible’ gives “showing lack of care for consequences” .   SO that isn’t me.   (ok why did my font size just change and how do I get it bigger again?)   RESPONSE – ABLE.   Responsible.     TRICK it – copy and paste and thus reset my font.   gotta be in here somewhere….    and then defining ‘responsible’ gives me “worthy of or requiring responsibility or trust”.    I’ve always hated when I get a form of the word I’m defining in the definition.     Point is…   I do care about the consequences.

Worthy of trust.  and there it is.   I just don’t trust myself.    and that is how other’s don’t can’t won’t trust me.   and it’s not that I’m untrusting.   It’s that sense of inauthenticity.     Great word.    Hard to put a finger on; vague, uncomfortable.   

I got an awesome compliment yesterday from a coworker that really just thrilled me.    and yet, my hope was that my boss would pick up on it and elevate her sense of my ability.    Abilities.     And with what aim of that?  I don’t know.    “I can not control other’s perception of me.   I can only control how I am presented.”   THAT was from last night’s Tim Gunn’s Guide to Style.   I just love Tim Gunn and the Bravo channel!    

I had grand plans for today’s blog.   Was going to comment on the wild ride I’ve had tripping thru this blogosphere.   The amazing – endlessly amazing posts on topics that I am clueless on!    and how and why I add some of these to my blogroll and how/why I continue to check/lurk…   I think it is a trust.  That intuitive, I sense something here I need to learn.   or kindred spirit.   or…    

I’m blabbering/meandering on here with no focus.   Going to jump back to my to do list.  and get on that treadmill.   

Adding Money to My Prosperity Gratefulness List

Guess I best create a Prosperity Gratefulness List before I brag about an addition!   My Prosperity Gratefulness List is an acknowledgement of the many wonderful blessings I enjoy frequently, daily, minute-by-minute for most of the spokes on my circle of life.   I am amazingly blessed with a husband beyond description.   I have my health, I have the legs and balance to walk, the ears with hearing and often the wisdom to listen, I have eyes that are aging but gave me great vision for my first few decades, and I breathe clean air.   I assume it’s clean.    Cleaner than in some areas of the world.  

Do I digress or should I just keep going?   (I love that word digress!   First time I heard it in a meeting, I was enthralled.    Oh, now I REALLY digress!  snicker) 

I have fun clothes to wear and quirky earrings  & bracelets to adorn with.   I’m not in too awful shape, but I don’t obsess with my looks.    I have a cool car to drive and I can afford to fix the poor thing after my accident the other day.   Wow – 2 weeks ago already!   My husband and I enjoy a fun and interesting part of the world to live in.   We have fun friends who invite us to fun events.   Tomorrow we are attending a Lobster Fest!  How COOL is that!?  I have more house than I need, a nice house.   A roof over my head and truly, I must say one of my top 5 blessings to be thankful for is running water and that toilets were invented before I came along.   I don’t think I could have been a country girl in the 1800’s out on the prairie.   Running water is the best!     Maybe a Roman in the really old days with the aquaduct;   those times MAY have worked out for me…  I have the support of a loving family with little to no drama there.  (boring!?)     I enjoy many hobbies and crafts, I get to travel to interesting places.   I have an awesome life.

So, today.  TODAY.  I am thankful for the 6 hours I am putting in at the office and the $10 per hour I am being paid to sit here (and read blogs!)    So-what that I had a goal to get my 2004 year of photos scrapbooked by the end of August.  Such high and lofty goals.    No, I am thankful that I will have some inflow of prosperity in the form of a check (not cash, no biggie) which I can convert to cash easy enough.   OR I could apply these 6 hours of answering the phone and directing callers to voice mail (I’m the only one here!) as credit to my monthly office fee.    Seems like a swell swap, to me.

I just wonder how I let the thrill of earning $60 in exchange for 6 hours of my life… be a thrill at all!?    Am I thinking too low?   Do I need better focus on my mantra “I am worthy and have MUCH VALUE-ADD.   The universe recognizes my worth and wisdom to recirculate the resource of money TO me and THROUGH me in bountiful quantities.   I have more than enough to pay to supply my needs and more continues to pour into my coffers and grow in my bank accounts.”   DO I circumvent this when I think small or maybe just don’t believe enough.   Is ‘believe enough’ like the word ‘try’?    When Yoda from Star Wars says there is no ‘try’, only did it or not.  do it or not.     Is believe a black & white or gray concept?    Boy, I am falling into a deep abyss today…  or am I setting too low and silly goals for my TIME.   so how can the universe recognize my Value ADD?   sigh.

So…  I AM grateful that my office is willing to hire me to cover today’s shift.   I am happy to help.   I had no other income producing activities planned that I can’t also do while in the office covering the phone.  so WIN-WIN.     Be grateful and acknowledge this blessing.   and work on growing it so that a few more zeros follow that dollar sign!! 

and tomorrow is now today.

I spent a few hours re-reading the Tech Writing position description, studying the company website – reading their documentation (yep, found one spelling error – which in today’s world is usually a mis-type keystroking error), revamped my resume and stalled.    Opened a clean sheet of Word, typed the date, and ….  I need to know WHO to address this to!

I did a few more secs of good investigative journalism and found the name of the HR VP.    SO I called.   Besides, how they handle random phone calls is a great indicator of company culture.    She actually took my call!    I offered my name, thanked her for talking with me, and quickly asked if they were still taking appls for the position.   NOPE – person starts Monday.

Solves that.  So, I called Charlie and invited him over for lunch.  I fried up a couple of burgers with the works and had salad plus cinnamon blueberry coffee cake.    He reviewed my resume, offered extremely gentle criticism and then….   agreed with me that he would see me much happier working at a Barnes & Noble.  

I slept HORRIBLE.   Had dreams that I was on a race to find JUST THE RIGHT item for the W&J, the current at-bat buyer potentials for my listing.   But the item was a cross between a Chevy SUV of some length and a coke machine.    And I had tons of people sitting around waiting and watching me and ready to help out if I could only give an instruction.    But mostly just loitering and watching me.     I felt like I was running back and forth, and on the phone.   Run here, run there, make a call, take a call.  

Yet today, I’ve accomplished 3-4 things on the to-do list already, and I am focusing on having a good day.    Concentrate and expand the GOOD things, the so-many positives in my life, and recognize any bad thoughts and send them on their way.    Why do we ruminate on the worries and the crap; rather, I choose to have grateful thoughts and feelings and attitudes of the many awesome blessings in my life.  If/when any unpleasantness crosses my mind or my path, I will only curious wonder about it and calmly let a reaction CHOICE pop up and allow the best option to be acted on.   THOUGHT to ACTION.   JUMP! 

Hey, maybe an acronym for J-U-M-P.   Taking sugs, keep it clean.   Joyfully unite magnificent projects? I need some good U words.  Understanding, uncle, U (short of YOU?), gosh, I’m usually terrific at brainstorming words!   usual, unity, undeniable, unbelievable,  ugly,