I was bouncing around Facebook for some odd reason, chasing names from my past as if they might be real enough to click back into my life, my real live life now and then I wonder a few things.
Why now?
Why do I care?
What happened?
Stumbled upon photos from a wedding of an old friend, former friend maybe, surely haven’t talked to nor corresponded with this person in years and yet it stung. Stung that I didn’t know about it. Wasn’t invited?! Deep breath, conscious wow/huh thought.
I’ve had more than a few friendships get pissed off into the ether for many unknown* and certainly unexplored reasons. In typical self-centered reaction, I wonder what I did. Which only leads to negative ‘why don’t they like me anymore?’ questions.
When perhaps, they are asking the same thing? Maybe they are wondering why I don’t seem to like them anymore?
Consider all this and allow me to share my afternoon. I didn’t want to sit around the house watching football. I wanted to go out but Hub preferred staying in. I could have called a few girlfriends, right? In fact, I did dial a friend’s number to have it immediately go to voicemail so I hung up. I looked across at a neighbors to see if her car was visible. Nope.
So I jumped in the car and went to Home Goods alone.
Yet, it gnawed at me that at the same time I was contemplating why I don’t have people calling me to do things with, inviting me places, lunches to plan – that I don’t make those invitations myself.
Gawd, I hate self-pity even as I crave it. Why does my brain even think of this crap? Why am I not continually thinking about contributing my talents to the world? or about all I have to be grateful for? I have many things to be grateful for. And I would even be able to count the many wonderful supportive friends I have.
I just wish I had some go-to gals to call and say “Hey, let’s go shopping. NOW.” or wishing someone would call me with same. Where are they?
And it is likely that they once did and I said no? yes, it is.
I sigh in frustration and annoyance.
I must think about something else, please.
Wonder what I got? I bought a cool red porcelain heavy stockpot, a spatula, a few blank books, and some martini swizzle sticks. Home Goods is just a candy store for me…
* Though I did have one friend tell me that her biorhythms and mine were in conflict and that’s why we couldn’t be friends any more. Was she being nice? Hurt like hell and still does.