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Swirly Thoughts

November 15, 2009

I was bouncing around Facebook for some odd reason, chasing names from my past as if they might be real enough to click back into my life, my real live life now and then I wonder a few things.

Why now?

Why do I care?

What happened?

Stumbled upon photos from a wedding of an old friend, former friend maybe, surely haven’t talked to nor corresponded with this person in years and yet it stung.   Stung that I didn’t know about it.   Wasn’t invited?!    Deep breath, conscious wow/huh thought.

I’ve had more than a few friendships get pissed off into the ether for many unknown* and certainly unexplored reasons.     In typical self-centered reaction, I wonder what I did.   Which only leads to negative ‘why don’t they like me anymore?’ questions.

When perhaps, they are asking the same thing?  Maybe they are wondering why I don’t seem to like them anymore?

Consider all this and allow me to share my afternoon.   I didn’t want to sit around the house watching football.   I wanted to go out but Hub preferred staying in.     I could have called a few girlfriends, right?    In fact, I did dial a friend’s number to have it immediately go to voicemail so I hung up.    I looked across at a neighbors to see if her car was visible.  Nope.

So I jumped in the car and went to Home Goods alone.

Yet, it gnawed at me that at the same time I was contemplating why I don’t have people calling me to do things with, inviting me places, lunches to plan – that I don’t make those invitations myself.

Gawd, I hate self-pity even as I crave it.  Why does my brain even think of this crap?   Why am I not continually thinking about contributing my talents to the world?  or about all I have to be grateful for?   I have many things to be grateful for.    And I would even be able to count the many wonderful supportive friends I have.

I just wish I had some go-to gals to call and say “Hey, let’s go shopping.  NOW.”  or wishing someone would call me with same.   Where are they?

And it is likely that they once did and I said no?    yes, it is.

I sigh in frustration and annoyance.

I must think about something else, please.

Wonder what I got?   I bought a cool red porcelain heavy stockpot, a spatula, a few blank books, and some martini swizzle sticks.   Home Goods is just a candy store for me…

* Though I did have one friend tell me that her biorhythms and mine were in conflict and that’s why we couldn’t be friends any more.     Was she being nice?      Hurt like hell and still does.

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6 comments

  1. I’d totally hang out with you. I’d bring an extra cane and we could hunt dumbasses.

    I actually don’t hang out with anyone much except my daughter and my sister.
    I do like to go shopping and I’m lucky that my daughter loves to go shopping with me. She even invites me to go places with her and her friends.

    I love Home Goods. It’s one of my favorite stores. I hope you find a shopping friend soon. It’s definitely fun to go shopping with someone.


  2. I feel the same way too sometimes. Especially since I’m the single one. I feel like if they call and invite me I’m the immediate third wheel. Why would they call when they have their husband to do anything. So this is why I have set things to do each week or month. Book club, sewing with Mary but that’s about it. I try and call someone each week to make plans. I totally understand. I miss Cincinnati and Omaha. I had more single friends.


  3. I used to feel sad when friendships drifted apart ~ and that always seemed to happen without me noticing. Then suddenly one day I’d realise that a specific friend wassn’t in my life anymore.
    But as I got older I began to realsie this happens for a reason. It’s rare that people are part of your life for the duration ~ although it’s wonderful when they are. I have some friends from school still (we have a friendship that spans 45 years and we still meet up annually even though we are scatted around the globe). More usually, however, friends are there for a reason or a season ~ and then one or other or both chooses to move on.
    I guess as life progresses we all change and grow from our experiences ~ and sometimes that means we have less in common with friends whom previously we were close too. That’s life … that’s the way it is. We quite literally out-grow some friends or they outgrow us.
    My advice is cherish the friendships you have, be open to meeting new friends, and let go with grace those that have moved on.
    A Christmas card catch up with a news update letter is often a good way to test the ground and see if out of touch friends miss you too. You’d need to include an e-mail address (if you write) and the see if they respond (or send an e-mail catch up letter).

    Jan


  4. Thanks for pondering these things “out loud” C. It’s sort of comforting to read that others think on the same sorts of things as one’s self. In the case of friends old, new, lost and found, I think that the internet has done some amazing good (and bad) by removing the distance/proximity barriers.

    Many of us mindlessly use others in our lives to avoid meditating on our own awareness. It’s got to be the easiest trap to fall into. We usually look into the mirror for all the wrong reasons. Our brains think of all kinds of crazy crap, don’t they? Thankfully, we can tell our brains to shut the hell up if we want to, not that they obey that command. I guess that’s what meditation is for. 🙂


  5. I’ve been experiencing this lately, too! I’ve discovered that ongoing friendships take WORK! And, that I don’t wanna! They don’t just happen unless one of us calls, and thinks of something interesting to do with the other.
    But there are those long-term relationships where years can go by, and one of us will realize we’re going to be in the other’s town, and it’s as if it’s been a week since we’ve seen each other.
    Thanks for expressing! Blog is friend, yes?


  6. Awww, I am so glad you wrote this. I feel this way so many times and wonder all these same things. I thought I was the only one. I do wish we lived closer because I know I’d be there to be one of your go-to gals! I know it’s not the same as having someone closer by but we will just have to make more of an effort to get together and have some meet-ups more often.



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