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Innerchildness

May 5, 2008

I don’t have an inner child.   If I do, it’s likely that my inner teenager tied her up and has hid her deep deep down in my cold icy heart.

Or so that’s my version of what my coach tried to tell me.     Well, maybe that was my interpretation and extrapolation of the few exercises we tried in an effort to ‘talk to my inner child.’ 

But I can’t find that inner little kid.

Know how I know?   Cuz I don’t ‘get‘ little kids.   They scare me.    I don’t know how to talk to them.    I am amazed totally unequivocally amazed when they dare to misbehave.    and don’t seem to care!    I get all shocked out about it.

No, I don’t have kids.    How funny you would ask that.

I have been wanting to and not wanting to blog about this.   (the fact that I’m CBC.   CBC is the acronym for Childless By Choice, as if it’s a club and we all have the same motivations, lifestyles, selfish attitudes, whatever.)    I think it a fascinating topic but wondered how many cans of yucky icky slimey worms I really needed to open.

    Looks like three cans of worms.

Really, it’s not that I don’t like kids!    I often find kids entertaining, adorable, cute, interesting and sometimes they even smell almost good.    Babies can be adorable and amazing and squishy and darn cute, too.   I have many nieces and nephews and neighborhood kids that I, that I… that I talk to?  buy stuff for?   be entertained by?  and be shocked by.

I don’t mind your kids, I think they are cute, I really do love to read about the cute things they say or do.   With Mom’s Day coming up, I truly wish that all mothers would feel appreciated for all the hard work you do.  I commend you.  

I do not avoid children and often don’t even roll my eyes in public places when I happen to see kids.

I’m glad they are your kids.    You should be, too.   I extremely dislike people who complain about their children.   I get equally annoyed when told that I’m lucky that I don’t have them.

It’s just not that simple.   Sorry. 

People try to tell me I still have time!   Nope, not about my biological clock.  

People tell me I’d be a great mom!    So?    How in the hell would they know that? 

I tell people that zero IS a number.    And don’t EVEN get me started on that selfishness thing.    I sooooo won’t go there.    I don’t judge moms that I think are great moms that they should have one or two more!    And my heart goes out to those who want motherhood and by whatever reasons it ain’t happening for them; it really breaks my heart.  

I have offered to have a child for another.    It was politely declined.    

Anyway, I was talking about my inner child.   Maybe if I had a kid of my own, I would have found that “scared little girl” inside my psyche.    I don’t know.     I think the reason we were trying to talk to her was when I was relating how amazed I was that kids talk back to their parents, or won’t eat their vegetables, or have temper tantrums in public places.     I can guarantee you that I did not act like I’ve seen kids act these days.    Anyway, I think that was the point of all that looking.   I’m sure my coach was thinking that I have suppressed memories.   whatever.

I just don’t think I ever really had a childhood.    I was SO good.   I rarely did anything wrong and was punished more by me being so upset that I didn’t even need to be punished or sent to my room or whatever.   I was scared so much of that lightening bolt?!    I really really really tried to be good.   All the time.     and I had a reputation for it.   My mother was complimented for having such wonderful nice sweet quiet pleasing little kids.

My aunt once mentioned that I was never allowed to have any fun.   I don’t quite remember it like that, but I don’t really remember having any fun.    But we did fun stuff, I guess.   Camping, family vacations, kick the can, Monopoly and Clue. etc.   I lived across the street from a playground – that was pretty cool.    I just don’t remember childhood as being a lot of fun.    What’s weird is I don’t remember childhood as bad or a lot of work, either.    I wasn’t beaten.   I wasn’t actually ignored.   I was well cared for.    I was just a good keep-to-myself, nose-in-a-book, stay-out-of-the-way, don’t do ANYTHING so no attention could be given to me…   kind of kid.     It was just noneventful.   I don’t see the point of continuing the exercise by having a kid.    Thank goodness, the Hub feels that same way.    

Believe me, it has been discussed a lot, it was not a whim decision.   But it’s been made and we are on the right path for us.   We’re not cut out for it.

and maybe, that’s why I am having so much fun as an adult.    Not just because we don’t have kids to drive to soccer practice but because I’m happy with my life.    So, when I try to find that inner child – and I really don’t know why I need to look for her anyway, I can’t find her.    I would so much rather be me, right now.   

 

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6 comments

  1. Maybe you have always been an old soul..and that is okay.

    I understand your decision about children.

    Being happy at being you is the goal..eh?

    I love your honesty…I find it refreshing. 🙂

    Thanks GH, ya know? I don’t feel like an old soul but hey- who knows? I’m really digging that song “I’m a New Soul, in such a Strange world…”


  2. I commend you for recognizing your choice. Society today almost demands that women get married and then have children. It is expected of every woman. If it doesn’t happen society makes you feel like there is something wrong with you.

    I find nothing wrong with NOT having kids. I applaud you for realizing that within yourself before you had kids that you didn’t really want. My oldest daughter feels the same way and has expressed it to me many times throughout her life. Kids are just not for her. She loves kids, but not for herself.

    Thanks for sharing this.

    Thanks Tina, I was a little nervous about posting this even though I wanted to because I really do enjoy reading posts about other’s kids! If I didn’t, I wouldn’t read those, I guess. Early on when the question of when became IF, I always gave myself permission to change my mind but now, it’s too late and it’s OK. My close family has never given me any grief about it – honest open discourse is great. It’s such a personal thing – and always interesting!


  3. I can relate to what you’re saying. I had my children young (in my early twenties) which meant that by the time I was in my early forties they had flown the nest. As a result I now enjoy that wonderful freedom of not having young children around (some of my friends still have a houseful – whereas I can visit mine when I feel like it). It feels like immense freedom. I love it.

    Being childless by choice is a good thing. It is a pity that sometimes people can be critical. I’m glad you’re OUT – I too admire your honesty. Different strokes for different folks!

    Thanks, Jan, for your support. I’ve been married 20 years now and so some of our friends first kids are off in college (wow.) and some other friends are still having babies! (even more WOW.)


  4. I like the way you “live and let live” here. Only you and your husband can know what’s right for you.

    What an honest and open view. I knew my whole life I wanted to be a mom. I wanted children. You are on the opposite end of the spectrum and why should that be any different? It’s a decision. It’d be nice if everyone thought about having children as a “decision” instead of having one after another and not wanting them to begin with? I find this to be very thoughtful of you.

    It can be difficult not to judge and trying not to feel others judging a lifestyle. We can only really look through our own experience and perspectives. Thanks for your support and HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!


  5. I found you through Romi’s blogroll – the title of your blog intrigued me. My husband and I too are childless by choice. I wish there were a CBC chapter near me! I’d love to meet more couples (or singles) or even just people whose children are already grown. Anyway, this was a great post and I hope you don’t mind if I Stumble it.

    Thanks Teeni! It is fun about the blogworld that we can meet so many people that try-as-we-might would be difficult to meet face-2-face. Or is IRL really that difficult? I think about things like this… Anyway, glad you liked this post, thank you for your support and stumble-away! 🙂


  6. This is very revealing. I had not known what was going on with CBCs before. Thank you for opening the cans of worms!

    Revealing… what exactly struck you here? I can’t speak for all CBCs – gosh darn labels, anyway? The point was my own attempt to respect all those different reasons and results. I was about to write ‘for and against having children’ but that, too, is a divisive stance. To suspend judgement of having ten, twenty -or- ZERO kids; does that sound better?



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