InnerchildnessMay 5, 2008
I don’t have an inner child. If I do, it’s likely that my inner teenager tied her up and has hid her deep deep down in my cold icy heart.
Or so that’s my version of what my coach tried to tell me. Well, maybe that was my interpretation and extrapolation of the few exercises we tried in an effort to ’talk to my inner child.’
But I can’t find that inner little kid.
Know how I know? Cuz I don’t ‘get‘ little kids. They scare me. I don’t know how to talk to them. I am amazed totally unequivocally amazed when they dare to misbehave. and don’t seem to care! I get all shocked out about it.
No, I don’t have kids. How funny you would ask that.
I have been wanting to and not wanting to blog about this. (the fact that I’m CBC. CBC is the acronym for Childless By Choice, as if it’s a club and we all have the same motivations, lifestyles, selfish attitudes, whatever.) I think it a fascinating topic but wondered how many cans of yucky icky slimey worms I really needed to open.
Really, it’s not that I don’t like kids! I often find kids entertaining, adorable, cute, interesting and sometimes they even smell almost good. Babies can be adorable and amazing and squishy and darn cute, too. I have many nieces and nephews and neighborhood kids that I, that I… that I talk to? buy stuff for? be entertained by? and be shocked by.
I don’t mind your kids, I think they are cute, I really do love to read about the cute things they say or do. With Mom’s Day coming up, I truly wish that all mothers would feel appreciated for all the hard work you do. I commend you.
I do not avoid children and often don’t even roll my eyes in public places when I happen to see kids.
I’m glad they are your kids. You should be, too. I extremely dislike people who complain about their children. I get equally annoyed when told that I’m lucky that I don’t have them.
It’s just not that simple. Sorry.
People try to tell me I still have time! Nope, not about my biological clock.
People tell me I’d be a great mom! So? How in the hell would they know that?
I tell people that zero IS a number. And don’t EVEN get me started on that selfishness thing. I sooooo won’t go there. I don’t judge moms that I think are great moms that they should have one or two more! And my heart goes out to those who want motherhood and by whatever reasons it ain’t happening for them; it really breaks my heart.
I have offered to have a child for another. It was politely declined.
Anyway, I was talking about my inner child. Maybe if I had a kid of my own, I would have found that “scared little girl” inside my psyche. I don’t know. I think the reason we were trying to talk to her was when I was relating how amazed I was that kids talk back to their parents, or won’t eat their vegetables, or have temper tantrums in public places. I can guarantee you that I did not act like I’ve seen kids act these days. Anyway, I think that was the point of all that looking. I’m sure my coach was thinking that I have suppressed memories. whatever.
I just don’t think I ever really had a childhood. I was SO good. I rarely did anything wrong and was punished more by me being so upset that I didn’t even need to be punished or sent to my room or whatever. I was scared so much of that lightening bolt?! I really really really tried to be good. All the time. and I had a reputation for it. My mother was complimented for having such wonderful nice sweet quiet pleasing little kids.
My aunt once mentioned that I was never allowed to have any fun. I don’t quite remember it like that, but I don’t really remember having any fun. But we did fun stuff, I guess. Camping, family vacations, kick the can, Monopoly and Clue. etc. I lived across the street from a playground – that was pretty cool. I just don’t remember childhood as being a lot of fun. What’s weird is I don’t remember childhood as bad or a lot of work, either. I wasn’t beaten. I wasn’t actually ignored. I was well cared for. I was just a good keep-to-myself, nose-in-a-book, stay-out-of-the-way, don’t do ANYTHING so no attention could be given to me… kind of kid. It was just noneventful. I don’t see the point of continuing the exercise by having a kid. Thank goodness, the Hub feels that same way.
Believe me, it has been discussed a lot, it was not a whim decision. But it’s been made and we are on the right path for us. We’re not cut out for it.
and maybe, that’s why I am having so much fun as an adult. Not just because we don’t have kids to drive to soccer practice but because I’m happy with my life. So, when I try to find that inner child – and I really don’t know why I need to look for her anyway, I can’t find her. I would so much rather be me, right now.